Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
