Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
