I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
