I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This is the high leading the old right now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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