I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
