I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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