Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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