Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So much Jack, so little girl.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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