Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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