i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
