the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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