My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
