you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
