why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
