Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
