Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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