im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
