the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
