i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
