Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
