I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
