we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
