when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
