Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
