I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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