Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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