my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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