Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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