I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
