rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why do cheetos always look like penises
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think your dad took our porno
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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