I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
