I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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