she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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