tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He? As in you personified your dick?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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