U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
