I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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