mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
