If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So squirting runs in the family.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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