I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
