My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
