Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize