Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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