im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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