I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
