Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
