I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
