me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
