Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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