you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
