you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
