I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
