Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
