my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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