he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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