I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
