I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
