do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I party with great urgency now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
