is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can I color on your dick again?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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